Anger Management Strategy Part 1 Free Resource

0:00 -Introduction

My name’s Charlie and I’m the Owner of Charles McArthur Coaching & Consulting.

Welcome to the first of a series of free resources for men seeking to change their behaviour.

You may also want to join my paid online program called Change Thinking 2020, created for men who have ” behaved badly ” and want to change, manage their anger, and stop the cycle. That’s especially valuable for perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse who have obviously come to the attention of the Police and who might be now facing Court. You’ll find the link to my program at the bottom.

Today we’re going to focus on Anger Management.

Where Anger comes from – How to address it and a good bonus, a proven exercise in self-hypnosis that you can use at home to kick-start your anger management journey towards a happier, healthier, and more composed individual.

So let’s get started. Let me ask you a question.

How do we, as men, control our anger, or as they say, engage, Anger Management in our daily lives. Have you got any techniques?

Anger is one of the most damaging emotions going around and it causes so much trouble in so many families.

Anger can end up putting you behind bars if you don’t get it under control. In fact, if you don’t get it under control you join a group where this can be a pretty likely outcome.

(01:24)Why You Need An Anger Management Program

anger-management-program

Now if you suffer, yes, if you suffer, from not having your anger under control, you need an Anger Management Program. I’ll tell you Why? Because it means currently you lack the tools, the strategy, awareness, and skills to gain control of your behaviour. As a consequence, your life, and your future trajectory may be altered so significantly, as you try and get back on track and come to terms with the hurt you have caused and the guilt and the shame of what might have been ten seconds of uncontrolled rage. 

Ten seconds of uncontrolled rage can ruin your life and ruin the lives of those who you’re supposed to care about. It’s just not worth running the risk especially if you know you’re like a firecracker ready to go off.

This is your chance. If you want a good life, stick around and get this information. 

Now I’m gonna give you an anger management technique. In fact, I’ll give you three today. And, I’ll tell you why you need to do it, what it will do for you, and what you can expect as a result. Because if you become angry more than once a year…that’s too often.

(02:35) The All-Too-Familiar Route Of Anger

anger and jail

Now, you may have committed to anger management of sorts in the past following the last time that you lost it and hurt somebody. You might have had to rebuild the trust you’ve lost because you couldn’t manage your anger and are losing people left, right and centre because of it. Commitment to change without a strategy is delusional.

When that ugly side of ourselves comes out and let’s face it, it’s not pretty and it’s not a side of us that anyone wants to show other people, in fact, it’s embarrassing, it’s not normal and it’s pretty damn ugly.

It can land you in a big heap of trouble, here comes the Police, then you need legal assistance, that stings your wallet, then you’re going to explain yourself in court. Goodbye job, goodbye travel, goodbye future employment opportunities, because of a black mark against your name, it could be10 seconds where you didn’t have the skill.

Worst of all, post-incident shall we say, you stuffed up again and probably frightened other people so much that they’re keeping away from you. They won’t tell you that. They don’t know how to help you, so they just stay away because it’s not worth getting involved with. People know it, your circle of friends drops down and you’re just left to that inner circle.

Embarrassment can bring you down but shame can bring you to your knees.

Let’s pull this weed out. So listen up. You can turn things around with your family and friends pretty quickly. You know, as someone that recognized your problem, got the help you needed, and you become a better person because of it. and they will admire that. It’s called manning up, and you do it by stepping up. It’s the responsible thing to do and it’s the right thing to do.

You wouldn’t walk around with a broken leg for the rest of your life, would you?

(04:29) Where Anger Stems From And How To Recognise It

So, the first point I want you to consider here is, is that anger ultimately comes from a belief. A belief that you hold that under a certain context, that it’s ok…and it’s not.

Let me show you the difference. You probably don’t have the belief that murdering people is ok and therefore you haven’t done that because you don’t believe that right?

It might be something as simple as getting cut off in the traffic. You know that guy….let’s call him “Mr Road-Rager “.

Mr Road Rager has an expectation, now it’s completely unrealistic but he’s still got this expectation, and that’s it, they’re going to have a perfect incident-free journey every time they get in the car.

And when that expectation isn’t met, well out goes the finger, out goes some abuse, just because of a wrong turn.

How often do I see people losing their shit in the traffic? That’s actually a pretty good way to…a pretty good indicator if you like, of who’s dealing with this on a regular basis. But Road-Ragers’ anger comes from a belief, and the belief is that it’s acceptable (and the context in his case is if he gets cut off or someone doesn’t indicate.).

Ok so in between when you were born and now, sometimes we’ve picked up a belief. The belief that it’s acceptable in a certain context…like on the road when someone cuts you off or someone doesn’t indicate, you nearly bump into them, that’s the password, that’s the context that opens that gate for anger to come out and then it’s ok for you to yell and scream and behave badly. No problem Mr. Road-Rager, perfectly ok.

Wrong. Road-Rager’s an asshole and you know it. And what’s even more bizarre, is that Mr. Road Rager, geez he’s a bit susceptible isn’t he? Someone makes a little error and geez it ruins his whole day. 

So it varies from person to person, what they’ve seen, what they’ve picked up from those angry feelings then justified it in some way, and made it a belief if that happens, I can act like an angry idiot.

Now if you’re someone that’s acquired a belief that anger is ok in a certain context, think about it like a sexually transmitted disease. I mean you weren’t born with it. You didn’t go looking for it. But guess what? You’ve ended up with it. Just from the cards that you got dealt. and. usually, it comes from parents. You then think it’s ok to put your head in the sand and say ” well, it’s not my fault”. Yeah? Well, you’re wrong.

Let me clarify. It’s not your fault that you got exposed to the bad behaviour of your parents, but if you’re aware of it now and you do nothing about it – well, then it is your problem, and guess what? If you’ve got kids, it will soon be their problem too.

And for everyone around you, it’s their problem also. Ok, I’ll remind you…anger can land you in jail if you’re not careful. So how about we make sure we have a few ” Get out of jail cards” in our wallets.

(07:47) How To Change Your Expectations And Triggers

minimize your expectations

What you need to do is set up the right-thinking framework.

Now, take traffic, for example, you’re probably thinking about this the wrong way. When I go out and I start a journey to go somewhere my thinking is that there’s a pretty good chance I’m going to cross paths with one of these bad drivers because I know how many bad drivers are out there. And so do you. If I don’t have an incident, well then I’m pleasantly surprised. The other thing is that if someone does cut me off, the first thought I have is “I’m not surprised”, I was half expecting it. Now don’t sit there and go, ” Well, what’s this idiot doing?” I’m not surprised.

What if they are in their car having a seizure or if they’re distraught over a death of a child, puts a different spin on it, doesn’t it? What if a great big dirty spider just dropped down in front of them on the dash?

So check your expectations. More often than not – anger coming from unmet expectations. And here’s the thing, most of the time, those expectations are completely out of whack, just like on the road when Mr Road Rager expects to have a perfect journey every time he gets in the car. That’s like expecting the sun to come up in the West, there’s no basis for it. 

I’ve seen tradesmen get angry at people that do the work before them…because the standard of their work isn’t up to the same standard as Mr Angry. I often question Mr Angry and say ” What did you expect from this guy? Did you think that he’d have your high standards? ” And he goes ” Yeah good point – I’m not sure why I thought that”. Because they carry themselves in quite a high regard and….again…it’s coming from a false expectation and the false expectation creates an unrealistic expectation about other people that has no basis.

To have an expectation that everyone’s got your standard of work is not really realistic. And that’s what creates the unrealistic expectation and that’s exactly how you set up the framework,  to trigger anger!

What we want to do is set up a framework of thinking so that it’s difficult for anger to come out.

And sometimes a lot of people get angry yet they can’t even express what it is they’re expecting and if someone doesn’t deliver it, the other person has no idea about the fire they are playing with.

(10:14) The Anger Management Toolbox

cool calm and collected guy

Ok so that’s a bit of background – Now let’s give you some tools. So for the first tool for your anger management toolbox.

One of the things…I take it with me everywhere. It really helps me. And, that’s to have the belief that whatever happens… “I’m not surprised. I’m not surprised”.

 So when something happens to me, first thing, someone cuts me off or I hit some roadworks or I’m already late or I sit there and say to myself ” I’m not surprised”. Have you ever gone to purchase something in a shop and then you’ve gone to the counter and found, on checkout, that it’s three times what you were expecting? Oh. I’m not surprised. Sometimes I’m too optimistic. You stay composed and you go and check the price.

The chances are that you do know that there are a lot of bad drivers out there and if someone did cut you off, I mean seriously, you couldn’t you be surprised? It happens too often, so as I said, when you get out of the car or into the car don’t be surprised if something happens…how could you be angry?

You were half expecting it anyway, right? So you can’t have expectations not met.

Can you see how this starts to close the opportunity for anger?

As I said, anger comes out from your unconscious mind. It’s not like you sit at home and you that at 10 minutes to nine today, I’m gonna lose my shit. You don’t decide when anger comes out. HOWEVER – You can decide what the combination is that opens the gate for anger to come out.

Anger comes from the belief that you’ve got that under a certain context, it’s ok.

So the first thing is to accept consciously is that anger’s not ok. It’s destructive, it hurts people, and can land you in a big heap of trouble and it makes you look like a fool.

The second tool for anger management toolbox.

This is another diffuser that I like to use it, it’s a special word, it’s a unique word, and this word will chill you out and It’s spelled NYAA…NYAA! 

And what does NYAA mean? Tell you what? Who cares? Life goes on. Life’s full of upsets. Life’s full of hurdles and roadblocks. And of course, you don’t know when they’re going to come. That’s where the expectations comes into it. Last week I hit some roadworks when I was already late…“I’m not surprised, I always hit roadworks when I’m running late” and I smile and laugh to myself. The world’s not coming to an end and I should have left earlier.

Life goes on. NYAA. So learn to say “I’m not surprised….. NYAA” because of just those two phrases. That’ll take out three-quarters of the situations where historically you used to display anger.

OK Tool Three.

Let’s get down to the crux of it. One of the most important things in dealing with an unuseful belief like it’s ok in a certain context is that know it’s a limiting belief, it limits your options. 

When anger is an option, here is what goes out the window – Understanding, Empathy, Patience, Tolerance, Acceptance, Curiosity, Confusion, indifference. All these alternative ways to respond are no longer an option when you’re holding the Angry card. I don’t know anybody getting themselves in trouble with the authorities for being understanding, empathetic, and patient. Believing anger is an option in a certain context limits your options. It rules out so many other possibilities. It’s like you’re a bit of a robot.

So how do we replace a limiting belief with one that’s not working for us with a belief that does work for us? Here’s one:

“I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life”.

Now, the first time you hear that you might say to your self ” Well Charlie, I’m not really the cool, calm, and collected guy “. No, Not yet, not the first time you hear it.

So we need to build up the evidence that supports that belief. We just got the belief. So, one of the things that I get to do with my clients who experience anger more than they should (which I’ll remind you, is more than once a year which is too much), is repeat the statement that I just said:

“I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life”.

And I ask them to say that statement in a very special way and I’ll just explain it to you.

In the belief statement, “I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life” from memory I think it has seventeen words and what I ask my clients to do, once in the morning, once at lunchtime and once in the evening is to say that sentence seventeen times…but there’s a special way I want you to say it.

When you say “I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life”, I want you to emphasize the next word every time you say the sentence.

Now I’ll give you a demonstration.

I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life”.

“I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life”.

“I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life”.

“I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life” ( notice the pace…slower).

“I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life”. 

“I’m a cool, calm, and collected…” ok, so you get the idea. What we’re doing is we’re emphasizing the next word every time we say the sentence. 

That’s not hard right? It’s pretty simple.

And every time you say it you’ll be on the last word ” I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life”. That’s when you know you’ve got to the end of the exercise.

So back to work, off to lunch, whatever you’ve got to do. Doesn’t take long. So what we’re doing by getting you to follow the next word every time you say the sentence, what you’re doing is distracting your conscious mind because you’re conscious mind has to keep track of the word right? Meanwhile, your unconscious mind is just soaking up that statement seventeen, thirty-four, fifty one or however many times a day. Yes, about 50 times a day. And that’s a good thing.

50 odd times a day and that will have an impact on what you’ll believe about yourself.

(17:14) Hypnosis And The Benefit To You

monk

This technique is from hypnosis which is a key “tool – a tool you don’t currently have in your toolbox”. The reason it works is that it gets alignment between your conscious and your unconscious mind. That’s what we do as hypnotists when we help people to give up smoking. We get alignment between the conscious and the unconscious mind so that everybody’s on the same page. Now if you want a better life, here’s how you get there.

Have you ever been told what to do but not been explained HOW to do it? Well.. it could be pretty frustrating. Now you’ve got the “How”. It’s not rocket science, is it?

So, now let me tell you about the mind. Whatever belief or idea you’ve got flapping around in your head, consciously or unconsciously you will start to look for evidence to support that belief. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a good belief or a limiting belief, it will just search for some evidence.

If you have ever said “Yeah, I’m a bit of a hothead” or “Yeah, I have a bit of a temper” – that’s exactly the wrong thing to say and it also explains why you’re watching this video now.

So if you start a program where you are going ” I’m a cool, calm and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life” and you start that tomorrow, or even better, start that today, that makes your unconscious mind go and look for evidence.

So if you want to start a program where you say ” I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life” and you start that tomorrow, better still you start it today, your unconscious mind will start and go looking for evidence.

The more evidence the stronger the belief. Now, if you get through one day, without losing your shit, we would call that one day of evidence. Evidence that you are Cool calm and collected man.

And by the time you go to 2, 3, 5, 7 times, you’ve done it for a week, well it’s started to grow in strength. We need to continue to build that up. Build up the belief, that you’re a cool, calm and collected man.  And the longer it goes, the belief you’re going to get. After three months, you’d be pretty confident. 

When you believe that you’re a cool, calm, and collected man you’ve got a much greater chance of ACTING like a cool, calm and collected man and DON”T sound like a stressed-out dude when you say it. Say it like you’re a cool calm and collected man. Lower tone and a little bit slower.

Because all we’re doing is we’re setting your neurology, we’re programming your nervous system and associating that belief that the fact that you’re a cool, calm, and collected man and you will be forever” and for every day that goes on, that strength will continue to grow stronger and stronger.

Your belief in yourself will grow stronger as well.

What happens is that old belief that anger’s ok in a certain context will start to deflate and wither away and die because you’re a cool, calm, and collected man.

Now, if you get angry, you’re like that – I thought of this the other day, the bag in American Beauty, the bag that’s just floating around with the wind, you know you need to be a bit more grounded. Have your feet on the ground. So it doesn’t matter where the winds blowing from, you’re a cool, calm, and collected man and you will be forever. By that stage, you’ll have the refinement, the skill, the composure – to present a better version of yourself. And you going to like yourself.

(20:45) Three major points

main points in anger management

First one – I’m not surprised. Say it. Say it often. I’m not surprised! We say that to counteract the effect of having false expectations. You might not have been even conscious of your expectations but if you say “I’m not surprised” straight after some incident that happens, it goes away.

The second point – Learn how to say “NYAA. Doesn’t matter” In the big scheme of things, it probably doesn’t matter. 

The third point – Do the work, this is the work part. Repeat that statement for a full week, and take it on….do it longer – Say it out loud, ” I’m a cool, calm, and collected man and I will be for the rest of my life”. Seventeen times in the morning, seventeen times at lunchtime, seventeen times in the evening. And please, say it out loud. Don’t just read it and think it. This needs to roll off your tongue like the alphabet. Say it like a cool guy…don’t say it like a psycho. Nobody likes a psycho.

Now how do I know this? Ten years ago, I used to lose my shit and act like a bit psycho.

Now I can remember situations where I am screaming at the top of my lungs, at some poor person, so angry, so pissed off, so wild. And now it’s a thing of the past. Anger doesn’t affect me anymore. 

I choose emotions to go to if I get disappointed. For example, confusion. Confusion is great, it’s a great place to go instead of getting angry.

And the person that’s annoyed you or let you down, express to them that, oh, Johnny you’ve now got me a little bit confused right? Because you would be confused if they didn’t deliver on their promise. Confused that someone threw something at you. I tell you right now, confusion is a better place to go than anger.

 Anger is the worst emotion going around and there’s a time and a place for it. For me, you know, the only situation I think would come out if someone put my wife and my kids in direct physical danger, it’s probably going to come out. And that rarely happens. 

(23:03) Ten Days To Change Anger Management Summary 

hero-home-change-thinking (1)

Anger is a part of you, it’s a real emotion. It’s hard to control. But when you set the right-thinking framework up, well that negates the possibility of it coming out and people seeing the ugly side of you. It just takes a bit of work and a little bit of practice. I mean, this stuff’s not hard. If I can do it, you can do it.

And in ten days, you can eliminate this. Ten days and you can to be on the mend, on the path to a better, brighter future without anger and problem and trouble and guilt and anxiety and shame and blame and courts. These three tools will definitely move you closer to where you need to be and hopefully eliminate completely any chance of ten seconds of rage that could ruin your life.

I encourage you to watch this video a second time because you’ll take in more the second time you watch it.

This is just Part 1 of Anger Management. So stay tuned, I’ll be back soon with Part 2 of this series, which really puts an end to Anger, and one last thought, if you’ve ever heard the phrase ” It’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t ” well don’t find yourself in the dock thinking “oh I wish I would have listened to that guy in the video”.

You know it now so do the work and sort it out. 

 

 

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