First Dates And Domestic Violence

0:00 - Where It All Starts

Hi everybody! My name’s Charlie and I’m the owner of Charles McArthur Coaching & Consulting.

Welcome to another of free resources for men seeking help to change their behaviour. You may also be interested in my online paid coaching program called Change Thinking 2020 created for men who are tired of getting the same old results and who need to change and, who want to change.

And one of the common situations where us blokes do need to change is how we transition with a new relationship as we get to the end of that honeymoon period, and I’ll get to that in just a moment.

If you’ve ever found yourself at the end of yet another relationship and you’ve said to yourself “Ah…women. They’re all the same”, scratching your head and wondering what went wrong. I’ll explain the process that I see time and time again….and it’s not that women are all the same, I mean they’re not!

0:58 - The Honeymoon Period

first date

It’s just that men, we keep repeating the same old pattern, time and time again. So, take this scenario:

Let’s say you’re at a party of a fried of yours and a really hot girl catches you eye. She looks your way and you smile and she smiles back. You notice that she doesn’t appear to be here with anybody, but you do feel a strong attraction so you start sort of drifting over to that part of the room.

After another look your way, you engage in some small talk and you immediately then are struck by her weird, friendly nature. The conversation flows and you’re in top form making her laugh with your unique take on the world and you end up chatting for a good part of the night.

You ask if she wants to go out for a drink after the party but she’s already got plans to meet up with some friends. So you ask for her number in order to take her out on a date and she doesn’t confirm yet but you get that sort of feeling that when you do call, it will be a YES.

For the next two days, you just can’t get her out of your mind. So when you do call and she sounds pleased that you called, accepts your invitation for a date and a week later, you both head out and it’s like the conversation just picked up where you left off at the party.

You both have a really fun time and the night ends, you know, with your first kiss with her as you drop her home and because you had a fun time she agrees to go out with you on a second date. And again, you had a fun time. She might have even stayed the night on that second date.

The next morning you get up and get her some breakfast and a coffee. You enjoy being around her and she enjoys being around you. Everything’s going well and before long, you guys are spending a fair bit of time together. You’re both interested in learning about each other, and you just naturally are getting into rapport every time you see each other.

You’re realising that, not only is she hot – she’s got a beautiful nature, a little naughtiness about her and she’s a pretty smart cookie.

This is the honeymoon period and it’s called the honeymoon period for a reason. Now gents, at this stage, where you need to get your “A” game on. This is where most guys start veering off course.

3:33 - Is This Love?

in love

Why? It’s because at this stage that you both start thinking about whether or not this new relationship has the potential to go on and become more serious.

Because there is something about this girl that has just bowled you over…you’re telling your mates about her and when they get to meet her, your mates make jokes and say “Mate, you’re punching buddy” but they’re really happy for you.

By this stage you are pretty Ga-Ga about this new woman in your life and because of this, look, everything in your life just seems to be going along great. You’re going out with an attractive girl that you really connect with. You look good together as a couple and the two of you have been “enjoying” the best sex either of you have ever had. And guys…this is where a lot of guys fuck it up.

Because the relationship is going so well, you start to experience real feelings for this woman. Possibly, stronger feelings then you’ve ever had for any other woman that you’ve been with. You think that you might of found a keeper.

And she’s also weighing things up about you considering you know, if you have…well, you potentially might be husband material. And up to this point, you’ve been well-mannered, courteous, easy-going and a lot of fun.

4:59 - Where Are You Going?

relationship troubles

Now as men, we might have been thinking about the sex too much, how good that is but somehow as men we fail to notice that there are real feelings developing. Whilst you might not be conscious of it, there’s a big part of you in your unconscious mind, that just seems to want to protect what it is that’s making life so good.

Protecting something that makes you feel good, well, that’s a pretty normal thought right? Protect the happiness.

Good intention but the method to protect your happiness is where we go wrong. You should have just kept doing what you were doing because you’re feelings are now stronger but you may not be aware of just how strong and because of this what actually kicks in, is fear. Yes, fear. Fear of losing someone that makes you happy. And fear is false evidence appearing real.

And then one day, she’s heading out to meet with some friends, and you’ve got another commitment so you can’t go and as she’s getting ready, you just notice how, well, god she looks good.

She turns heads, wherever she goes. And for the first ( little thought), a bad thought comes into your mind. You realise how much this girl is and might anyone hit on her. And you enquire ” Who are the friends that you’re meeting with?”.

6:26 - Suspicion & Insecurity

suspicion and insecurity

She turns her head quickly with a surprised look and then replies with an unsurprised look… just some old friends”.

This is the first time that you show her the sign of the insecure boy, inside the man. And, that you’re not the trusting type. Just that little question conveys so much. You may think of it as a straight question with no significance but, believe me, your question- let’s face it, has come from your own insecurity. That gets noted.

The time to ask about the friends would’ve been the next day…after the event. And had you would have waited she probably would of told you who’s who and where you know them from and you wouldn’t even have had to ask.

But because you were a sort of nosey, untrusting kind of moron…her guard has now gone up and she doesn’t say much about the night at all – which just makes you think, you want to know more about who she’s spent her time with.

And this becomes the seed, that’s going to eventually spread out and spread and take the garden. So next time she goes out without you, well you ask her with a little bit more intention to try and get an answer. But, this conveys more insecurity and this ends up a big turn off for her. Why? Because she’s an independent woman who can make her own decisions and she hasn’t had to explain to anybody who she’s going out with since her Dad wanted to know on the night of her school formal.

And while there isn’t any men that she’s catching up with, she let’s you know that she doesn’t have to answer to you. She leaves and goes and meets with her friends.

The next thing you know you’re having your first fight. And you think the issue is she’s being secretive and keeping things from you.

She thinks it’s an issue that you don’t trust her. And, she reminds you that even the night you met she was going out with friends that night, and you didn’t ask then.

And before you know it, you’re invading her privacy snooping around trying to find some dirt to confirm the worries, which in actual fact are a figment of your imagination.

But when you put two and two together and got four, nothing is going to put you off getting the truth right?

She starts telling her friends that you’re starting to get possessive acting like you own her. But by now, the honeymoon period is long gone. It’s now more arguing then anything else.

And you start overthinking it and telling yourself that because she’s arguing with you so much, there’s got to be someone else in her life and she might even be cheating on you.

You care about this girl so much and you start to realise what she means. You start to experience real emotion over this girl which again, might not have happened at this level in your life. But not wanting to be wrong and because you’ve thought about this for so long – in fact, you’ve been overthinking the issue and you don’t even realise it.

Your thoughts about this girl start to consume your thinking. You’re at work thinking throughout the day, it’s just consuming your thinking and you’re wondering why she just won’t own up. And, this starts to piss you off.

9:40 - Here You Go!

start of domestic abuse

Then you meet up at a park. A neutral territory to try and resolve the issue and you don’t even greet her the way you used to. So, when she asks, you know “What’s the problem?” you unload with a whole lot of accusations and assumptions because you’ve been overthinking this again.

She has to defend herself from your unsubstantiated accusations and decides to tell you for the first time where to go and that she doesn’t need this shit and walks off.

You walk after her, you call out her name ” Come back!” and you ask her to stop but she keeps walking. So, you take off after her and when you catch up to her you grab her arm and turn her around so you can just talk to her. Boom, boom. Critical error.

Because when you do this critical error, a line that you should never cross, she calls you out for what it is and she labels you a physical abuser.

She starts to freak out and because of all this it’s suddenly gone to a new level.

There’s a another male in the park and he sees something’s going on and he calls out and he asks if she’s ok?

You proceed to tell him to “Fuck off” and it’s none of your fucking business. She tells you to “Fuck off” and then she walks and then she runs. You decide this time not to chase her and you go home gutted.

11:08 - Those Blue Lights

police sirens

That night, you send 37 text messages, apologising, going through all the emotions, asking for another opportunity to meet up but she’s done. She won’t answer or respond and the fact that she won’t even respond, given that you’ve just spent the last four months together – well, you interpret that as a direct action to piss you off and it does.

The more you think about it, the more it frustrates you. And then you start to resent it.

So you go and post some cryptic comment on facebook in retaliation. So, she unfriends you.

Uhhhh! You try and call her but now she’s blocked you. Helpless. And, this causes you to feel rejected and you decide to drive to her house. You just want to talk it out but you don’t realise how fired up you are.

You knock and ring on the door and all you hear is “Go away!” You plead for her to come down and she yells out confirming that it’s over, to go away and she doesn’t want to talk to you or she’ll call the Police.

You see, it’s done. It’s over. The girl has just ended it with you. So the Police are the least of your worries so, you knock harder on the door yelling out for her to come out.

By now you’re desperate so you try the only thing you’ve got left and that’s to threaten her and you don’t know it but the Police are already on their way.

You’re standing at the door, banging on the door, yelling at the top of your lungs when you see the blue lights.

You know that’s the end of your chance to resolve it. What you didn’t realise is how out of control you’ve become due to the fact that you’re at her house, you’ve yelled and banged on the door, all in the name of love. It doesn’t matter because you really scared her.

The Police to your “now” ex-girlfriend and they see how shaken up she is.

You still don’t believe that.

They encourage her to place a Domestic Violence Order on you to prevent you from doing what you did again.

Eventually you get home…a broken man and your world is crumbling around you and with no prior history with the authorities, all of a sudden you’re a bitter ex-boyfriend with a tendency¬†to go nuts who’s now a perpetrator of domestic violence with a DVO against your name.

She tells a friend who tells a mutual friend that you both know and before you know it, everybody in your friends circle is talking about how you, are one of those guys.

Three weeks pass and you decide to try again which results in a breach of the DVO and you end up in Court and get slapped with a criminal conviction against your name – which you’ll now have for the rest of your life.

Now, this is a common story, well, parts of it.

If it rings bells for you and you’re interested in how all that could be avoided easily with a few key skills in communication, enrol in my online coaching program ( see that below) and I”ll show you where the skills that I teach could have saved that scenario at eight different places before our perpetrator eventually went to her house.

For that and a lot, lot more…my personal development program called Change Thinking 2020, may be just what you need.

Online Coaching program with content delivered on mobile, tablet or PC, weekly Q & A meetings on Zoom, hosted weekly by yours truly and if you feel like you need to update the software in your brain, so that everything’s working better again, this program is for you.

Check out the two enrolment options you’ve got below and I do hope I have the opportunity to partner up with you as your coach.

Have a great day:)

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